I separated from our children’s mother, Kate, 6 months ago. It was a shock to me, even though I knew we were both feeling unhappy in our relationship. We were together for 13 years. Our daughter is 7 years old, and our son has just turned 3.
Moving to living in separate homes practically overnight, Kate already had a rental organized and was wanting to have the kids with her every weeknight. She then told me I could see the kids every 2nd weekend. I have been a hands on dad so it was upsetting to now be faced with not seeing the children for so many days in a row. I wanted to call around to Kate’s house to see the kids, but she would not let me.
I initiated a mediation. I was not sure that Kate would meet with me as I was already receiving letters in the mail from her solicitor. I understood that the relationship needed to end, but I needed to feel like I was not going to be shut out of the children’s lives. I was scared of that happening, so it was a relief when I could say in the mediation what I felt was most important for the children and me. I was able to make arrangements that enabled me to see our children on weekends, and also have overnight stays, which allowed me to take them to school and daycare. Kate had just assumed that I would not want to see them during the week, and that it was going to be too hard to organize with my employer. The kids really seem to enjoy me dropping them off to school and daycare.
Our son was crying and asking for his mum when he was with me. Asking for assistance was important, and really helped in a number of ways. I received some advice from Mirror Bridge (Post Separation Support) that made me realise I wasn’t really listening to what both of my kids were telling me. I could see more clearly how unsettling and difficult the separation was for them. I started to practice listening skills, instead of trying to protect and constantly reassure the kids. More and more I was able to sit with the uncomfortable feeling of letting them say how they were feeling. I was able to try harder to make them feel safe, and wherever possible see me making an effort to have positive chats with their mother in front of them. I did not always feel like doing this but it is a lot easier now and it feels quite natural for Kate and I to be civil and respectful towards each other. Not only this, Kate and I are now able to share proud moments and fun things that happen with the kids. I feel she has more trust in me. We also thank each other, and are starting to acknowledge good things we both do as parents.
*Names have been changed to protect privacy
